What Kids Need Most From Us

Attunement is the key.

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Resonant Parenting Project#3

We’re hearing a lot about the word “attunement” these days — but what does it actually mean?

Imagine meeting up with a good friend who’s fully available to listen to you, totally present and sits nodding, and empathising with genuine care. They say the right things at just the right time. It feels so good. You feel understood, and know they want the best for you. You come away feeling lighter, seen and much less alone.

That’s attunement.

Now think of a time when you were sharing something important with another friend. They seemed to be attentive,  but after a few minutes you noticed their gaze flickering downward, distracted by the message notifications on their phone. They then started talking over you and giving you advice. You felt irritated, tense and not seen.

Not attuned.

As parents, we attune with our kids when we:

• Meet them where they are

• Sense what they’re feeling, and what they need from us

• Pick up on their non-verbal cues (body language, tone of voice, mood, and facial expression)

• Tune into the feelings beneath their behaviours

• Are willing to sit with all our child’s difficult feelings without trying to fix or find immediate solutions

• Approach their inner experience with curiosity, empathy and compassion

• Respond to them (instead of reacting)

Our children feel:

• Seen

• Soothed

• Believed

• Understood

• Safe

And they trust us.

It’s worth taking a moment to think about the times we feel most attuned with our kids — and when we don’t.

I find I fall out of attunement with my daughter when we’re running late on a school morning and I can feel myself becoming increasingly stressed.

“Come on hurry up, we’re late for school, we have only 10 minutes before we need to leave and you’re still not dressed.” 

Not surprisingly, my urgent tone of voice, faster paced energy and overall approach never works.  She digs her heels in and becomes more resistant, delaying us further. However, when I’ve been able to pause and tune in (I usually find making things playful or fun helps), her body visibly relaxes, she feels understood at a deeper level, and is far more likely to cooperate.

As parents, we naturally focus on our kids’ behaviour — and what we can see. We may see a child who answers back, is rude, resistant, or withdrawn.

However, when we can attune to them in the moment, and approach with genuine understanding, we can start to look beneath the outward behaviour.

We become curious about what might be going on for them in their inner world. We tune into their feelings,  the thoughts in their mind, and how are they’re feeling in their bodies (all of which they may not yet be able to identify or name, especially if they’re younger children). Dr Daniel Siegel, author of the Whole Brain Child and many other books, calls this “feeling felt.” If we’re very connected to our child, we may even start to feel their physical feelings in our own nervous system.

Dr Siegel writes:

“When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of ‘feeling felt’ that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.”

So How Do We Attune?

Parenting is hard. Mums and dads have a lot of responsibilities to juggle and whilst we may intend to become more present with our kids, we may feel overloaded, and like we just don’t have enough time in the day.

But trust me, if you can start to practice this, you will find you actually gain more time.  

As Thomas Hübl writes in his new book Attuned:

“Real listening requires a commitment of presence, so we do much more than hear with our ears and comprehend with our minds. I not only hear you, I feel you- and I feel you feeling me.”

Attunement Starts with You

To attune to our kids, we need to know how it feels to attune to ourselves.

If you did not experience much attunement as a child yourself, you may find this is unfamiliar, so go gently.

We take time to practice slowing down.

We learn the power of the pause, take a few deep breaths, and feel more grounded, present and calm.

We tune into our thoughts, our emotions and our physical sensations.

We don’t judge what we find — or don’t find.

We just hold our experience in awareness — and then see what happens.

Tuning into our Kids

So when our child is being very difficult, whiney and nothing we do or say is right, we tune in.

Perhaps they’ve had a bad day at school, or something has upset them.

We may sense that what they need is our calm presence, an offer of a hug, and fewer words.

Perhaps our child is holding onto something that happened with her friend at school and can’t settle to sleep. You sense that now is the time to say a few gentle words: “It sounds like you were really upset by what your friend did, that didn’t feel fair.”

With our teenagers, we may not be able to scoop them up into our laps in the same way as when they were younger, but they still need us to tune into them as much as ever.

So when we pick up that our teenager is moody and quiet after school, we can tune into what’s going on beneath the surface.

We can choose our moment to sensitively ask them about their exam revision or what they want for dinner. Or we can take a step back, be present and around, which allows opportunities for our teenager to connect when they’re ready.

Attunement Helps to Teach our Kids Empathy and Compassion

When we’re attuned, our nervous system is regulated, and we’re in touch with our core, authentic self.

And from this more authentic place, we’re able to be more genuine, more caring, more compassionate. Our kids feel it. And so do we.

Attunement is the deepest way to connect with our kids, and see them for who they truly are.

You’re teaching them that their feelings and their thoughts are important and they matter.

They start to build trust that you will listen to their deepest fears, worries and confessions, and that you won’t tell them off, lecture, try to fix or dismiss them.

You demonstrate the power of what it feels like when another human being holds a space for you with empathy and compassion for your distress and suffering.

And that direct experience of being seen helps build their capacity to provide that compassionate, witnessing presence for others — probably one of the most beautiful and greatest skills for life we can give to our children, ourselves and to the world.

I write the Resonant Parenting Project in between my work as a conscious parenting coach and looking after my six-year-old daughter Matilda. Any support from readers through liking, sharing, subscribing or buying me a coffee helps make this work sustainable. Thank you!