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Resonant Parenting Project #26
If you have a highly sensitive child, you’ll know that they can be incredibly witty, loving, creative, imaginative, and empathic. They can also be very challenging to parent at times, since they often get so upset about things that strike us as trivial.
Highly sensitive children are also confused by the depth and intensity of their reactions. It can feel scary to experience life so deeply, and make them feel different to their friends.
If we’re parenting one of the 20-30 percent of children born with the innate temperament and trait of high sensitivity, it can help to build our awareness of what affects them, and how.
Here are some of the most common triggers I see in my work with these children and their families:
1. Tone of Voice
One of the most common issues that parents raise is that their highly sensitive child won’t listen or cooperate with the simplest of tasks, such as putting on shoes, getting ready for a bath, tidying up before dinner, or putting on pyjamas.
The parents I work with do their best to stay calm and patient with their children. So they’re confused as to why their simple requests cause their child to cover up their ears, and run away screaming: “Stop shouting at me, you’re being mean to me, I hate you!” The parent is understandably baffled, since they weren’t shouting.
However, as Gabor Maté says of these sensitive children in his book Scattered Minds:
“She picks up senses and experiences the tension in the father’s voice, the edge of controlled impatience and frustration. This is what is translated in her brain as ‘yelling.’ She is feeling exactly the same fear and outrage as another child would if shouted at in an angry manner. It is a matter of sensitivity, of the degree of reactivity to the environment. This child is emotionally hypersensitive.”
In another words, it’s crucial that we’re aware of the tone of voice we’re using with our sensitive children, since they’re not just listening to the words we say, but picking up the energy beneath our words.
If we carry an edge of frustration, tension, or control — even if we tell ourselves that we’re being calm and patient — our child will pick it up. Sensitive children are deep noticers, and 80 percent of the information they absorb comes in the form of non-verbal cues, such as microfacial expressions and tone. It’s like these children have a sixth sense, and know how you’re feeling before you do.
This is why they’re so challenging to parent, but can also be our teachers — holding up a mirror so we can look at ourselves honestly. If we can see this as an opportunity to do some of our own inner work, we can actually use these moments to become a more authentic version of ourselves. While we may be skilled at hiding our emotions from other adults, and only showing them our best side, we cannot hide from our children.
Summary
Tone of voice is triggering for our highly sensitive kids. Being aware of our non-verbal cues, including our tone of voice, is so helpful.
2. Unfairness and Injustice
One of the qualities that I’ve always been so drawn to in sensitive children is their strong sense of fairness and justice. They question rules and norms that don’t make sense to them. They can also have a hard time coming to terms with the many injustices they see in the world, such as animal cruelty, racism, the climate crisis, and bullying.
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